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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Allow Me to Deter You...Matteau the Magic Wrap-Around's Picks for the Anti-Player Awards

For all the influencing you might have been sucked into last week, I think it's only fair I turn you off this week. Besides, you've probably seen enough awards predictions outside of ours to make your heads swell, and frankly that's a little too much Ovechkin/Crosby for my refined taste.  So says the guy posting pictures of oversize men in training bras...

Anyways, I think that it is essential that, as an NHL blog, we give credit where it's due.  Also, we should give non-credit where it's due.  Lest you even dream of suggesting them...I present to you the Anti-Player Awards for 2009-10.

The Barry Melrose Trophy for Coaching Excellence
Great teams typically follow great leaders.  The Lightning followed Barry Melrose last year.  Let's just say that the Lightning cut bait before Barry could empty the contents of his hope chest.  The Barry goes to Ken Hitchcock of the Columbus Blue Jackets, who's team followed a promising 2008-09 with a real shit in Columbus fans' oatmeal in 2009-10.  But seriously, the only place this guy doesn't wear out his welcome is the drive-thru at Denny's.

Believe it or not, he's not saying anything in this picture.  It's been his expression all year.

The Viktor Kozlov Award for Determination & Perseverance
This anti-Masterton goes to show you that guys can battle back from cancer, overcome years of injury, or lose one of his berries and yet still not do enough to inspire some other players.  To Kozlov's credit, he seemed more interested when playing with Ovechkin.  A little bit.  Then he left.  This year's "driven" player is none other than Shane O'Brien, aka Party Boy.  After being verbally spanked by his coach for showing up late for practice, a fun photo gave us a little taste of what Roxy club hero O'Brien was up to the night before.  It's not so much the partying, it's that everybody else rocks the party and still makes it to practice.  Now that's perseverance.  Right, Phil?

The Kirk McLean Medal for Goaltending Excellence
I admit, it's a personal vendetta.  McStain wasn't that good with the Cutnucks, and he was even worse with the Rangers.  Besides, "Kirk" is one letter removed from my least favorite name of all time, "Dirk."  No offense, Dirk Graham.  So who get's the anti-Vezina (I considered calling it the Veskala, but to go after Toskala is too easy nowadays)?  Chris Osgood.  You had this one coming, buddy, and now that Soda Jerk Jimmy has taken your spot, there's no one to defend you.  Your name is a misnomer.  You've been nut-dirt terrible this year.

Mclean? Terrible.  Osgood? Nut-dirt terrible.

The Claude Lemieux Trophy for Gentlemenl...Oh, Who Am I Kidding?
Yeah, this was a tough one because the NHL is full of pricks.  I know how to resolve this...(wheel spin)...big money! biiiggg money!...(click-click-click)...Matt Cooke!  What a dick!

The David Harlock Award for Best All-Around Defenseman
Never hear of the Morlock?  He was so good he played for four teams in eight seasons!  Wait...that's not a barometer for success?  But they were the Leafs, Capitals, Islanders, and Thrash...hmmm...but it was those teams in the late 1990s...hmmm...okay, he was great in college!  Or he must've been, since I can only find one video of him on YouTube and it was while playing for Minnesota.  During practice.  And he didn't score then, either.
Who gets the Harlock?  Why, it's none other than Brendan Witt, who even after his +/- is adjusted to his team's average +/- still ranks the lowest among defensemen with a -20.  Add to that a stellar .16 points per 20 minutes and you really can't find a guy who lifts his team more.  Except everyone (and yes, this includes Jeff Finger).

The Anti Ross Trophy
Cam Janssen and Raitis Ivanans can share this one with 0 points in 41 and 58 games, respectively.  Even Brent Sopel looked like Paul Coffey compared to these two.  I'd hesitate before calling them useless, though I don't know why.  Oh yeah, because they'd probably put a Sherwood Feather-Lite up my ass.

It's a "rugged" hamdsome.  As in some rugged mountain man made him of sticks, pitch, and discarded, melted action figures.

The Richard Zemlak Memorial Trophy
All you need to know about Zemlak has been well-documented, though he is still alive.  Just memorable.  The Anti-Hart is always hard to choose because there are so many players that seem to have no value.  Kyle Chipchura comes to mind.  Andrew Peters, too.  But when a guy goes 58 games without a point, gets a -8 (adj.: -33!), and takes only 16 shots, there's reason to think he's really something not special.  With two awards today, the big winner is Raitis Ivanans!  

A player like Ivanans only comes by once, maybe twice a year.

In closing, a beautiful song per Ivanans' request (he always plays it at parties; I think he brings the CD):

If that doesn't clinch the Zemlak, nothing will.

P.S. Have some non-winners of your own?  Let us know in the comments.  If they're bad enough, I won't hesitate to put them up there next to a picture of Bea Arthur with her fist in her mouth.
P.P.S.  Don't forget to vote!  See to the right side of the blog!


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